Nerd Alert

My friend and I had a bet last year regarding Dick Cheney. We won (though in our minds truly lost) if we could find one person who legitimately liked him. She maintained that he is the most unlikable guy on the planet. I agreed with her. Until NYTimes had an expose on a little girl (i think she was 6) from wyoming who was OBSESSED. She compared his voting records and collected his campaign buttons. She followed him like she would her favorite character from sesame street. Now that the Bush administration's reign is coming to a close, I hoped that those dark days were behind us. Cheney could go back to his bunker, Bush to Connecticut (he's from New Haven, not Crawford folks). And then came the primaries. And the Republican nominees.

I have full faith that the Dems can take back the White House, but I really can't figure out where the Republicans are going with this election. No matter where it goes, I'm glued to my TV right now. It's not for the NFL Playoffs or the latest episode of Project Runway. It's for the New Hampshire caucus. I can't get enough. It's sort of sick if you think about it. It's not like in football where a play that determines the winner. I'm literally at the edge of my seat while a computer tallies up votes that were filled out hours ago, for a final vote that will take place 10 months from now. But I don't care. I'm loving every second of it.

Except for Huckabee. Why do people like this guy? It fascinates me. Tonight I told my coworkers that I'm giving notice that I'll leave the country if he wins. I just don't understand how so many in this country can get behind him. The dude from Law and Order, fine. Maybe you caught a marathon on TNT or you saw him in "Hunt for Red October". There's a face recognition there. BUT HUCKABEE?? I went to his website in hope to get a little bit of insight. I'd like to think that most of the citizens in this country have a brain in their head. That they think things through. They may not agree with me all the time, but at least there's a logical stream of thought in their ideas. But then there's Huckabee...

He has all the benchmarks the conservatives that have taken the forefront in the new breeds of Republican superstars. Huckabee is a faithful churchgoer, pro-life, and he's all about "winning" in Iraq. These are all points that I happen to disagree on, but that's par for the course. HOWEVER, his major selling point seems to be his ignorance (i believe "everyman" is the term used to describe him) and lacks the trail of controversy that follows Romney and Giuliani (flip-floppers) or McCain (ALL war-talk, all the time). For Huckabee, i'm tempted to hone in on my favorite liberal rants - stem cells, abortion, terrorism - but I've decided to take it another, less-traveled direction: immigration. His views on this aren't unlike his conservative counterparts, but while I'm on my soapbox I'll get down to the nitty gritty details...

Huckabee has what he calls "The Secure America Plan - A 9-Point Strategy for Immigration Enforcement and Border Security" [Sidebar - all of this info is from his website, except the brackets of course].

1. Build the Fence - a literal fence and camera system around our borders [THIS WILL ALSO BECOME BRAVO'S NEWEST REALITY SERIES, PROJECT INFILTRATION]
2. Increase Border Patrol - more border agents [SO THAT MORE PEOPLE CAN PREVENT 17 YEAR OLDS FROM SNEAKING INTO CANADA TO BUY BEER]
3. Prevent Amnesty - "Policies that promote or tolerate amnesty will be rejected" [DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS]
4. Enforce the Law on Employers - penalties and fines for employers of illegal immigrants, prevent IRT/SSA from accepting fraudulent SSN's
5. Establish an Economic Border - "Move toward passage of the FairTax. The FairTax provides an extra layer of security by creating an economic disincentive to immigrate to the U.S. illegally." [I'M WILLING TO BET THAT THIS ECONOMIC BORDER WILL ALSO INCLUDE GUNS]
6. Empower Local Authorities - promote cooperation on law enforcement and encourage local police training to turn in illegal immigrants [THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THE MOB WOULD UNDERTAKE.]
7. Ensure Document Security - no more "matricula consular" cards and do not allow exemptions for the US-VISIT program. [THEY SHOULD HAVE TIME WARNER SET THIS UP - THEY RUN THE TIGHTEST SHIP I'VE EVER SEEN WHEN IT COMES TO BILLING]
8. Discourage Dual Citizenship - Inform foreign governments when their former citizens become naturalized U.S. citizens. [WILL THIS ALSO COUNT AGAINST PEOPLE IN HAWAII AND ALASKA?]
9. Modernize the Process of Legal Immigration - "increase visas for highly skilled and highly-educated applicants" and "improve immigration process so that those patiently and responsibly seeking to come here legally will not have to wait decades to share in the American dream." [YES, KIDS. THE AMERICAN DREAM ONLY HOLDS TRUE FOR SKILLED AND HIGHLY-EDUCATED APPLICANTS.]

So basically, once the 9 points are enacted, we can look forward to martial law and isolation and landscaping with barbed wire fences. This will probably go over well, especially since we'll have no civil liberties. Have no fear though, the sanctity of marriage will be saved.

In this day and age, it's not surprising that a stream of emotions can lose a candidacy (Howard Dean) and supporting role on a TV show can put you in the mix (Fred "I Think I'll Run for President" Thompson). But how can an "everyman" like Huckabee be revered? I understand the need to want a guy who is in touch with the people. Bill Clinton is a self-proclaimed hick (he said it when I saw him speak in college), but he's also an incredibly intelligent and articulate man who just happens to have started his political career in the exact same position as Huckabee. This standard of intelligence cannot be held to the man who has said that people with AIDS should be "quarantined". I'd like to think we want someone running our country that is more intelligent than the average person. They don't necessarily have to be richer, but smarter would be nice.