dante the detailer

yesterday, meg decided that she needed to be spray-tanned before her trip to the DR tomorrow. i glanced at my pasty skin and pondered. a faux-tan could be the catalyst i need to get out of my barium induced funk. so we decided to venture to the beach bum tanning salon in queens this morning. to give you a quick schooling in faux-tans, there are two main ways to get instant gratification. mystic tan - where they put you in a room and shoot tanner at you like a car wash; or airbrush - also similar to a car wash, but at this place they have a guy named dante using a handheld tool and a drying hose. either option isn't particularly glamorous, but as we were told by many a tanning expert, airbrush is the "natural" way to go (aka less streaking). 

after two failed missions to beach bum locales in queens, i found myself at the UES beach bum at a 1:45 appointment with dante. the guy at one of the queens locales considered him THE BEST when it came to "tanning detail". in my mind, this meant no streaks, freaky hairlines, or orange spots. little did i know i would come out 3o minutes later with defined biceps, six pack abs, and a realistic tanline on my hips. 

my hollywood tan will have faded by friday, but dante's expertise will live on in my mind indefinitely. some make their mark helping children, curing diseases, or in my case performing competitive analyses of the top-10 adult cable networks. dante's gift to the world rests in a sterling silver squirt gun, and a vision of the perfect body. he is a master at his craft.