it's berry good

today i had a classic waiting room experience. my stomach's been giving me trouble for the last month, so my docs decided to do a CT of my abdomen to get a better view of what's going on. i've already done the sonogram and endoscopy of my abdomen, so this was really the cherry on the cake.



i grew up in madison, wi. madison may not be the size of manhattan, but the major thing that my hometown has going for it is its medical services. the university hospital is world-renowned, but beyond that it's all in one place. if you need to get your blood drawn, you're taken to a room down the hall, your blood is taken, and that's that.


here, the doctors scribble hieroglyphs onto their notepads which you must hang onto for weeks at a time, and you're expected to wait upwards of 50 minutes for a vile of your blood. the worst comes when you need actual tests done. these tests are rarely done in the same building as the one you're being examined at, but that really doesn't matter. you can't be seen for the procedure for at least a few days. if you're lucky (like i've been recently) they push to see you as early as possible. i have probably the most understanding workplace possible when it comes to exiting for a doctor's appointment, but i'd be screwed otherwise. it's not often that you're given more than one option for an opening in the near future and they're always smack in the middle of the workday. why would a hospital employ its doctors to have to work past 5pm? as a worker in the media world, this often perplexes me. my biggest concern in a day concerns the placement of a commercial and i routinely work past 7pm. but if my spleen needs to be taken out, i'll know it in 8-weeks worth of 9-5 appointments.


today i found myself at a diagnostic imaging lab in lower manhattan for a CT scan of my stomach. my appointment was at 2:30, but they asked me to arrive at 12:30. i would have to "drink a little something" so that they could see how my insides were functioning.


i arrive promptly at 12:20, taking a seat in the crowded waiting room after filling out a packet of paperwork with my symptoms and SSN. beth israel hospital must have at least 10 versions of the same signed packet. i've started changing up my wording a bit - "abdominal pain", "stomachache", "chronic stomach ailment". i doubt the hospital has noted my creativity.


"banana or berry smoothie?" i'm asked when returning my paperwork. i'm relieved. the barium's flavored. it really can't be that bad. err...well...a cup of it isn't. but i'm handed two 425 ML canisters of berry smoothie barium. essentially 1L of this stuff. the containers resemble two classroom size refills of glue. the receptionist points to a water cooler on the other side of the waiting room. "grab a cup from there. just finish by the time of your appointment."


i take my solo cup and dignity and grab a chair. i soon realize i'm the only person in the room under the age of 40, but not the only one with the barium concoction of fun. a few older ladies nod their heads at me in support (they're the designated drivers - their husbands are the ones doing the drinking today). i feign a smile, then give the first container a few good shakes before opening it up. bottoms up. the scene does oddly resemble a midtown bar during happy hour on a wednesday night. old men and cheap shitty drinks. i give a nod and half cheers to an old man across the room, but he just stares at me in annoyance.

it takes me an hour and a half to drink the potion. the taste itself isn't horrible, but the docs make you fast the 6 hours prior. nothing else is in my stomach but those faux-fruit flavors. all 1 liter's worth of them. by the time the tech comes to get me, i'm feeling somewhat faint. my stomach is churning, but i can't tell if it's just the barium doing its business or my stomach uprising against the chemical agents. in either case, i'm extremely uncomfortable, but ready to get this over with.



i'm told to put on a gown, but leave on my sneakers - lime green converse. this is definitely a fashion statement with my pasty white legs. the tech makes small talk while he sets up a main-line in my arm. i'm getting the full-treatment today. barium and an iodine injection. woo hoo.


the CT itself takes moments. there's a notice right in my line of vision on the machine that says "do not stare directly at the laser." i do my best to not react, but i'm now i'm curious. i have no idea where the beam is located, but i want to know what it looks like. my eyes start wandering, trying to spot the mysterious laser beam.


they do one version of the tests with just me, then another set of images with the iodine coursing through my veins. rarely have i felt medicine coursing through my body (i hear heroin does that to you, but i've never tried it, nor will i ever). but i could feel the iodine. the tech warned me that i'd probably taste metal and feel a warming sensation in my crotch (no joke). nothing prepares you for the feeling that you've peed in your pants. especially when sucking on a fist-full of nails. i guess that's why iodine never caught on as a drug of choice for anyone. there's no real high from that, unless you get your jollies from the moment of panic that hits when you think you've completely lost control of your bladder while working at a construction site. thank god i hadn't really peed. i don't think i could have bared the shame of leaving berry pee stains on the CT gurney.


the barium's been messing with my stomach all afternoon, but beyond that, i'm physically fine for the moment. mentally though, that's another matter. it's going to take me a while to get back on the horse when it comes to berry products. probably a few months at the least. i had a similar issue in high school when a friend and i split a bottle of raspberry twist mixed with berry punch. i endured a monster hangover the next morning to meet my grandmother for brunch, only to be forced into eating a berry muffin. it took me 2 years to get over that. this time, i'm hoping i can overcome the berry adversity sooner. summer is coming, and there's a jamba juice on my way to work from the subway.