my life...as told by someone else

as i was cleaning my room tonight, i came across a bio one of my friends wrote for me in college. i asked him to write a few lines for me to put in the newsletter that was introducing me as the coach of a local swim team. just a quick blurb about me and how i looked forward to teaching kids how to swim the backstroke. this is what he came up with:

"jeni's swimming career is shrouded in mystery, a loose patchwork of folklore, half-truths, and hearsay. legend has it she fell through the ice on lake wingra as a small child, and instead of panicking she simply taught herself the breaststroke underneath the frozen surface. if the rescuers hadn't come so quickly she might have perfected the surface dive as well.

by the age of five, jeni was regularly practicing her stroke technique whenever and wherever she could. it was not uncommon for jeni's family to discover her missing, only to find her later attempting to crawl into the drainage ditch near her home, or the penguin sanctuary at the vilas zoo, or the lobster tank at red lobster.

by seven, jeni was swimming competitively against the nautical prodigies of the former soviet bloc countries, thanks to a fellowship granted by the eccentric and reclusive dr. wilford longfellow, a retired industrialist and lover of both traditional kabuki theater and olympic swimming. supposedly, longfellow spotted jeni at the local YMCA and said, "i have seen true beauty but twice in my life. the first time was when i spied a great white shark off the coast of antigua and barbuda, so aerodynamically perfect, a graceful dancer of the sea. i killed it and placed its fearsome plaque in my study. the same beauty i see now, in this little girl. she will bring home the gold medal, and i shall place it around the head of the great white shark"

there is no proof that longfellow ever said this. in face, there is no proof that longfellow even exists. there are medical records for a w.p. longfellow, but all pertinent information has been mysteriously blacked out.

after rigorous training with the finest swimmers of the former soviet countries, jeni inexplicably walked away from competitive swimming for five years. some say the pressure was too intense. others insist she simply sacrificed her own career to further the aspirations of her new friends. a scattered few claim her decision came after weeks in a communist isolation bunker and session after session of unspeakable torture. whatever happened, no one can say, but this much is known: at the age of 14, jeni was found by an excavation crew in the middle of the mojave desert, 23 miles from the nearest town. when they found her, she kept repeating the same phrase over and over. they could not understand it, for it was in russian. years later, one of the excavators, a prominent archaelogist named rachel suarez, would stumble upon what she had said. it was this: 'the phoenix has risen from the ashes. i will swim again.'

she would swim again, but only after fifteen labor-intensive months of physical therapy. for reasons known only to her, she had lost all motor functions below her neck. she had to relearn how to walk, how to tie a shoelace, and, most importantly, how to swim. those who had seen her swim before would remark that she was only a shell of her former self, that she would never live up to the expectations for her once promising career.

no longer a competitive force, jeni turned her attention to other areas. she studied the works of the great french enlightenment thinker, voltaire. she learned american sign language and provided translation for the deaf attendants of rock concerts at san francisco's historic fillmore theater. she even ghost wrote the autobiographies of a handful of celebrity chefs. but her estrangement from the world of swimming would not last long. at the age of 18, jeni was asked by the europe swimming board of regents to serve on the planning board for the 1st annual parisian underground waterway classic. the classic was intended to be a world class swimming competition in the elaborate system of underground sewers below the city of paris. though the event had may critics skeptical, jeni's guidance and business acumen made it an unqualified success, drawing some of the world's biggest names to the humble catacombs of paris. in gratitude to jeni's foresight and dedication the mayor of paris presented her with a key to the city of paris. the key was soon stolen by gypsies.

jeni has worn many hats in her short yet rich career. she has worn the hat of world renowned swimmer. some may call this a swim cap, not a hat. she has worn the hat of athletic expatriate, of crippled survivor, and of organizing guru. yet there is more space in her closet for even more hats. who knows what the 21st century has in store for the enigmatic jeni dill."